A Big Change

So for this post I'm going to give you a quick recap of what has led me up until this point now...

I was married, of course... I knew something was off with myself, the way I felt, etc, and the marriage ended. I moved out and was staying with a friend as I was figuring out where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I started dating someone else very quickly. Now I know that whether that's a good or bad thing, everybody has their opinion on, and I know what that opinion generally is, so let's not touch on that. I didn't know what to expect out of this new person or relationship. I didn't even know what to expect out of myself at the time.

But I knew I wanted to leave and get away. That, I knew. I've always known. The timing was never right, but now it was. That's how I started planning my move. I knew it had to be somewhere by the beach and somewhere within driving distance. Long story short, I ended up on Jacksonville, which I love by the way.

Now, this plan was in the works all along since the separation. I had at one point in the new relationship, told this person that he was welcome to come with me, but that I would understand if he didn't. I was coming here regardless. As time went on my feelings towards the move in general changed, and I rescinded my offer. I told him that I did not want him to come, or rather, that I needed him not to come. This was something that I had to do for myself, by myself. I wanted everything to be me. All the decisions, thoughts, opinions, everything that I had to consider to be of me. I learned a lot from that relationship, and it was actually very helpful to bring some of the things that I've learned down here with me. Things to learn about, things to work on, things to praise myself for.

So as I'm down here I'm keeping in touch with this person; we are friends before anything else. And we were really and truly just friends after the move. We talk on the phone, text each other, ask about our days with genuine interest; not an 'I love you' or an 'I miss you' or 'I want to kiss you' was said. It was difficult to go from relationship to friends when our feelings were still the same. But it was also nice to have such a close person to me still there to talk to sometimes.

So while I've been down here these three months... well it's actually been four months now but the story takes place about a month ago. And while I've been down here I've been fiercely working on myself. It's been amazing. I've learned so much in a short period of time, but one thing I'm learning is that there is an infinite amount to learn. I will never know everything about the world I will never know everything about myself. But that's one thing about this learning process and about the self actualization & self development process is that it is never ending. There's always more to find out, more work to do, and more progress to be made. And that's something to look forward to. You can always get better and better. Life can always get better and better.

And in working on myself I've been alone. For the most part, completely alone. Only lonely sometimes, but always alone.

Isn't that how this is supposed to go?

Don't you have to be by yourself in order to learn about yourself?

In order to work on yourself?

I'm not sure where I found, learned, created this assumption, but it was mine. How can you possibly work on yourself while being with and considering and loving and devoting yourself to someone else?

Well at this three month mark that I had been down here, I had a planned trip back up to Atlanta to visit some loved ones. I was very much looking forward to this and wanted to see as many people as I could. I broke it up into daytime and evening time, who I was seeing that day, who I was seeing that evening. This comes from my Virgo tendencies. But I wanted to fit everyone.

Everyone, of course, includes this gentleman. Of course I wanted to see him. He was my friend. But he's more than that... he was then, he was before then, and he is now. So that's a very tricky place to be. Just my friend, yet still more than that deep down. So one night while we were on the phone about a week prior to my visit, a conversation came up about boundaries.

We love each other. There's no other reason why we aren't together besides this.

We want to be together, but we can't because I need to do this for myself.

So what are the boundaries? What can and can't we say? What can and can we not do?

Can he tell me he loves me? Will that be OK with me? Will that distract me from what I'm doing?

He wants to so badly respect and support what I'm doing as an individual that he doesn't want to intrude on that in any way. He wants to step back as much as I need to make me comfortable.

He's wonderful like that.

So this conversation led us to talking about the reasons why we aren't together, which as I told you are few, as in one. So because it was only this one reason, of course we wandered into all the reasons why we should be together. And in doing this you start to try and figure out how to get around this one reason that's keeping us apart.

Can I do soul-searching, and self actualization, and better myself, not by myself? Could I still focus on me?

Maybe the answer to that question is on a case-by-case basis. One size does not fit all. What works for me might not work for you. And I don't know why but I don't think I had thought of that before. Again, I had the assumption that I could not. That you could not. That people could not.

And in talking to different people in this regard, I came across one good friend, a very close friend to me, that said something I thought was interesting; and she's been doing a lot of the same personal development things as I am for a long time now. But she told me that she's found that she learned the most about herself when she is with someone else. When she is in a relationship.

This led me to thinking back to all the things I learned about myself through having this other person and this relationship prior to moving down here. And after the move, I took everything I learned and began to focus on turning the negative things into positive things, and on how to translate that onto other aspects of my life.

The main goals of self development, or at least some of my main goals, are to become more aware, more understanding, and more in control. More in control of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. More understanding of myself, of other people, and the world around me. And to be aware of where I am in my level of control and understanding.

That is just one example of the many quests that I'm on to better myself, but just as that one, I start feeling all the others can be done alongside this other person. There's no reason why I should hold myself back from these natural feelings because of what I think I "should" or "should not" do, or what I think I "can" and "cannot" do. I need to follow my feelings, do my best, focus on myself yet do what makes me happy. Am I really even focusing on myself if I'm actively pushing away things that make me happy?

So then getting back to three months ago… The next night there's another phone conversation had with this gentleman. A good one. An exciting one. We both want to do this together. Individually, but together. And love and support each other, help better the other and continue bettering ourselves. And I'm still able to get away to my places to clear my head, to do my thing, to work on me by myself. And now, I get to work on me in two ways: one, as an individual and, two as a partner. Which are two very rewarding journeys to be on.

There's no way to know when you first meet someone what they will be as a part of your life. Just follow your feelings with each person. Know your true feelings, and follow them. I feel like that was a part of the first three months of my journey. Figuring out what I really wanted from myself, from life, from people, from the world, and yes particularly from this person and relationship. And I learned that I want this. With him. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty mushy gushy reasons as to why I feel this way, but it just feels right. I love the way he loves me, I love myself with him, and so much more. So this is just another step in my journey that I am so excited for. I'm learning so much already. And I'm feeling better. Much better. And like a better person. Not better than anyone else, just better than I have been before. And that's an amazing feeling.