Just Me, Myself & I

Sometimes when you're on a self finding journey, not only are you learning to love yourself, you're also learning things about yourself you may not actually like, and that's okay. Work with them. Work on them. See what you can do. Becoming aware of certain patterns and behaviors is a good thing. It's a first step, as cheesy as that may sound.

I'm looking forward to bringing this up in my next therapy session to hopefully gather some insight, but I have somewhat newly discovered something about myself. A certain way that I don't like being. Something that I'm starting to feel is an inevitability. It's almost embarrassing for me to be this way. It makes me feel like a bad person, but some things you just can't help, maybe.

I'm fickle. My feelings are fickle: "changing frequently, especially as regards to one's loyalties, interests, or affection". I'm inconsistent and unpredictable. Not even referring to any specific person, relationship, or time in my life, because this is not a "happened one specific time" kind of thing. And I don't know why it's taken me this long to put two and two together that this is a regular occurrence in my world.

So what had happened was... there's this boy...

No, no, no, not like that... but someone that I work with. We've only even hung out once or twice outside of work, but obviously interact at work on a regular basis. There's certain people in life that you just click with, you have a certain chemistry with, you just get along with immediately and it's natural. That's this boy. But I've already made a commitment to myself that on this journey, I will remain single. I can't focus on myself and figure myself and my life out, while simultaneously considering someone else all the time in my decisions and just being as considerate of someone else's feelings and opinions as you should be in a relationship.

So I began to question myself as to why and how I ended up in this situation in the first place.

And that's what it boils down to. For the sake of other people's feelings, I can't get involved with anyone knowing how my feelings work and that they are almost always temporary, and could change in the blink of an eye with no warning.

I sure wouldn't want to be on the other end of that.

So as an adult, obviously I know the normal progression in a normal situation, of having a good vibe with someone and then slowly hanging out with them. If all goes well, it turns into dating, a relationship, etc. But my life in and of itself is not a normal situation.

And I can't continue to do what I want at my leisure and leaving broken hearts and trampled feelings in my path. So I had to have a conversation a couple of days ago that, trust me, I was not looking forward to having. Again, I don't like that my feelings do that. It actually makes me feel like a bad person. Like who just messes with people's feelings? It's not intentional, but it's repeatedly. To just be with someone and then poof, be gone, and be seemingly fine with it.

Like, am I a robot?

Do I have a black soul?

Am I missing part of my heart?

What is wrong with me?

I don't know, but I'm not bringing anyone along for this cruel ending ride until I get to the bottom of it. Or maybe there is no "get to the bottom of it". Maybe different people are wired differently. Maybe I'm not made for this. For that. For long term commitment. For marriage. For consistency. Maybe I just need to fly free forever solo.

So I had to sit and tell this boy what is wrong with me. Why my flaws make me unable to pursue anything with anyone in good conscience. Why I'm no good for him and why I'm no good for anyone. I get uninterested? I get bored? I get unfulfilled? I get indifferent?

I'm really not sure what adjective would describe why my feelings do this.

I'm just bad news bears.

It was difficult to say all of that out loud, to him and to myself. But it is what it is. And I'm down here to understand what it is and do my best to fix things or deal with them or cope with them or whatever outcome is most optimal for my life.

So here's one to jot down in my notes and get crackin on! I need to figure out a way to control my emotions differently. But again, maybe I'm just wired differently. Maybe the solution will simply be adjusting to the fact that a life like that isn't for me, which I've been questioning anyway. It's just surfaced in a different way now and it feels like the right time to get to the bottom of it.

Wish me luck.