Such a Lonely Day

Such a lonely day... and it's mine...

I absolutely am infatuated with this song and have been since I first heard it. I feel like there's so many different levels and meanings that could be taken from it.

This is exactly how I felt yesterday, so let me tell you about my lonely day....

It's my day off from work, which I always look forward to. I generally leave it up in the air as to what I'll do on these days, ranging from fun and exciting to chill and relaxing. I never know what my mood will be so I try not to make concrete plans. My first thought was to take my darling pups to the dog park. There's this huge one that's about 20 minutes away from us and we LOVE it! There's a giant pond/lake area that the dogs just love swimming and playing in. There's agility courses that should I decide I want to take on some additional training, we could use. There's huge, long open fields for them to run and play, plus short trails for them to sniff and wander through. All of this fenced in. Not to mention, the bathing stations for when you're done (if I could just remember to bring a towel with me)! Anywhoo, I decided against taking them because my older dog has been having a small flea issue that the vet treated improperly the first time, so I'm just getting it under control like yesterday. I'm opting to keep him mostly inside just for some additional time to make sure everything's taken care of.

So instead I decided to sleep in. I haven't slept as late as I slept today in quite a while. I woke up and went back to sleep a couple of times but ended up getting up around noon. I decided to just do a couple of errands, so I went to the bank and took the dogs to Petsmart to get their nails clipped. Then we came back home and I made myself lunch, caught up on my show from this week, did some laundry, and took a shower. I've kind of been feeling like I wanted to go out somewhere tonight, but then realized I didn't really have anyone to do anything with if I did want to.

Aside from the beach and the newness and the entire journey and adventure of being down here, it's not perfect. The main drawback I have experienced thus far, which shouldn't come as any surprise, is that it is lonely sometimes. I mean, I've met some nice, friend types and hung out with a couple of people of a couple of times, but I don't know people. It's very different. To leave the place you were born and raised for 28 years and go somewhere completely new where you don't know people to hang out with at any given time is a night and day difference. A lonely difference.

I've cut back a lot on my drinking habits since I've been down here (another post for another day), and tonight I thought would be a good night to partake in drinking festivities since it's been a while, and maybe dabble in some karaoke! There's a couple of places not far from here that are close to each other and do karaoke on Wednesdays. That would be fun! But again, who would I go with? I know neither of my roommates will be up for that tonight (one has her son and the other gets home late from her day as it is), so I go ahead and text a couple of people from work. One didn't respond and the other has to work. And so after that, I really don't have anyone to ask. It's weird. So it's kind of like, I have no choice but to either go out by myself, or just stay home or change plans to something that makes sense to do alone.

So here I am... sitting on my couch, feet up, writing this with a black face mask on that I'm going to go peel off in about 10 minutes. Then I'm going to sit back on the couch, put my feet back up, and continue watching Grace and Frankie while eating butter toffee peanuts, which my awesome dad sent me in the mail.

It feels like such a lonely day.

But... just because I'm by myself doesn't necessarily mean I have to feel lonely. I'm choosing to feel lonely because it's just me, myself, and I.

Why does my mind automatically go to 'lonely' when I'm by myself? Why doesn't it go to freedom? Or time to reflect? Or just relaxing?

What if I enjoy sitting on the couch watching my show, eating peanuts, and writing about my life all while simultaneously giving myself beautiful skin? Why does my mind try to convince me that's not enough just because I'm doing it alone?

As more and more time goes by down here, there will be people I meet and connect with along the way that I will enjoy spending time with, that I will want to invite out and won't do so just to be in the presence of someone else. I'm enough company on my own.

I've been working on self-esteem and self-actualization in therapy. One of the points behind this is to not only find and understand myself, but also to like myself. Not only have I struggled with self-esteem in my physical appearance, but also with my inner self. I've struggled to like myself for who I am. I have to spend time with myself in order to learn about and come to like and appreciate all of the good qualities I have. Maybe sometimes I use the presence of other people to distract myself from me, from the company of just me. I want to have people to be around so I don't have to be with someone I don't too much care for: me. And that's sad. I want to like myself and I always try to be the best person I can. I make mistakes, but I shouldn't have to carry around those mistakes or the guilt from them. I need to forgive me. To understand me. To allow myself to be human and then love myself unconditionally.

I'm too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy, in more than one way.

In going over events of my past, there is guilt that I carry around on my back that I don't even consciously realize is there until I talk about those events. It's just there... on my back... at all times. And that can and has had a major impact on my self-esteem. No, it's not the only factor, but it is one of the factors. To think big things that happened in your life are your fault can make you feel like less of a person, or just not a good person, or good enough person. I need to forgive myself for things and move on.

Because I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to not like being alone with myself. I want to love me. I need to love me.

So how do I get there?

Well coming down here and getting into therapy was a great start.

Step two would probably be spending time with myself. So from now on, I'm choosing to make time for myself, instead of ending up by myself, hating it and feeling lonely for it. I'm choosing to love myself, in every aspect, and spending time alone because I can enjoy my own company.

I can and I will.